She Falters

Imaginings beyond
flourescent imprint tiles

floating somewhere

wondering how she got here
in the first place

was it when she saw the grotesque picture
of human skeletons copulating?
that death couldn't shake free from her mind?

now she's locked
in sheeted answers between
folded tucks
perfected by nurses' standards

she sprinkles crumbs silently
for the single-filed ants
marching to the cafeteria

How did everything become so small-scoped
when once ideas of India
mattered so muchly,
and politicking was fare conversation

Yet life feels safe for the first time
gurneyed by others taking over

is this how peace forces herself?

a funny thing, this shock of death's stare
lures us to no longer care
enticing us to think it all didn't matter
why bother trying to make somehting anymore?

who carries the newspaper headline of the next bomb scare to heaven, anyways?

though, she discovered, regrets don't seem to melt away
on rivers of bullrushed babies

hearts untouched and agitated linger in the mind
wishing to undo it all over again this time

At some point in youth she cared how others felt,
enough to make good impressions

when was all of that lost?
the busyness of passersby took over
and she just threw it all over to her wonderland of fancy

leaving only red wine's taste on her lips
recounting light kisses from long-ago partings
when no one in the world noticed this perfect freedom
from the stares of envious blubberings

"While I sipped champagne on a yacht,
moved like Harlo in Monte Carlo..."

Amusing the haughty chance to dance
till the stars shone brightly over
stark skylines of typical rooftops in Montreal and Maine stages

It all seemed so perfectly easy
this life of no one fully in, she fully out

Bouncing between the human facades of taboo places
never afraid to jaunt into bars where good girls don't trespass
why not?
Walking past others who are brawling through arm-in-arm advances

Night life
street life
cool life
simple life
vodka paralyzer 2-for-1 special life

jiving her jazzing short-dressed spinning tales

those rigid rules of order
"why says?": a quote reacquainted by her father, 20 years later

28 years old finds her at the sickened gate
where she can line up with the other barmaid floozies
humiltated by life's impetuous reality--
she will get old, bones brittle, ugly and unwanted
just like all the other women she pitied and laughed at
when she was 20

"luckily"
(tho' that attitude about it took some time)
the redeeming letter came in the mail
of her mother turning over a new grave
by the thought of her brother owning the house
back in the East Coast

She had to return, with embarrassed glances of familiar faces
oldened by time's arrogant passing
her horror of this stupid game of "life that precludes death"
sucking the joy of vibrancy and youth from her hips

Passion faltered on some front or back doorstep
in some fool's garden behind an iron-gated snobster's mansion.

She grabs the meat of her upper arms and tries to hold on

The prick of the needle, medicine's numbness
every night at 6 o'clock
better than those news stories.
Better than facing Time's mocking
Better than showing the world the shame of a woman who walked
as if death would never catch her.

Head held low

I never should've said the words I did
spoken, written or telepathically transferred

Why did I adopt the road of suffering's gate
in the name of some kind of liberty's blinding?

Where I lost the grace and poise of
a true woman
and became closer to the realm of a human dog
used by others, dead to
even trying to hold my head up high

Now to regain the pencil's honour
where do I begin to collect
and recollect my misgivings?

To the One who chooses Hate

You see not
the me
that felt for you

rather you want to see
that I threatened
your sense of self
security
everything you believed to be true

I prayed you'd choose a path of your full potential
to help this world advance

if only
you could break through the delusion
of an inferiority complex
stemmed from history's glance

instead you compromise your path
and blame me

staying small by fighting with petty mean words

to say I forgive you
would mean I listened

all I can say is "I understand" why
knowing it could take centuries before you'll hear it.

I have no time to wait for your faulty misperceptions.

The time to Love and release your hate is Now.

And I pray you can find that solace and realize
that there are people who Love you
despite what you think.

Liberation's Quest

Liberation is something we all want---
whether from childhood torment,
our disagreeable family
our boring sex life
from the mask of apathetic lies
the despise of bill payments
others' labels of us
or
the endless regrets of paths not taken.

We want freedom from
when we sacrificed our dignity
for the guise of comfort

Still, we wish all conflicts would cease
and this ache of separation
would unveil Herself

Why must it get to such extremes?

How does one sort out
her true wants and needs in a world of
over-indulgence in momentary distractions
and fake obligations?

What choices can I make that will lead to my
Ultimate Peace and Contentment?

Is Simply Being, enough?
But what of the drive of something more,
in connection of hearts,
ideas, creations and limitless understandings?

Why is there a determined and a lazy gene in me?

How do I Be me
without encaging
and adding to further suffering?

R-Evolutionary Healer

Yes

I could see the courage in your heart

determined to re-set right

the patterns of energetic

enslaved structures

of cultural rape and en-blindment

Yes

I could see your magical wonder

tripping between systems of power and ignorant religions

Your purpose mass-directed

by aching support of Other Side Sacrificed heroes

And yet you still failed to see within

your inability to hear the infinite pain

of that terrible oppression of people

threatened and locked away --

this is the pain, my dear, that comes before

the soul is squeezed out to her freedom

If you couldn't bare to hear the ugly yelp from me

then how could you claim to part of the compassionate master's company?

is it too dark and gruelling for you to bare?

or do I add to a scare of what you don't dare

to see of the Truth of our Nature,

lost in Fear that is real for most of us out here

the ones without Love's defenders and protectors

You couldn't dare to see the tears flowing from my face

because of the helplessness I felt

of the torture of people misunderstood

Yes, you're doing something about it

but so are my tears, Superhero

and often times this is what saves the world:

small acts of quiet, whimpering understanding.

Chrysalis Girl

Death seems the only constant thing
a perpetual knowing within
even though others see
She could become a butterfly

though nothing explains
her continual complaint with
death's inevitable embrace
willing and wanting to
take Joy's soul
from beating her own flitty dance

She never wanted to become something
that gripes "woe-is-me" human poetry

So she encased herself in her cobwebbed prison
til she figured things out

like transformative transcendence
in hushed privileges
of bouncing words
on unautographed pages

Friends and horrors have
passed her by
and still she sits still
pondering the worth of all
meditations and escapist desires
to find freedom by merging fire & water...

perhaps it was only to quell her fears
of drowning the tormenting
self-knowing, -loathing

Could anyone else
understand, comprehend
the heart that's been
so low in the dark;
between sheets of petulent violence?
lost in youth's mishandling;
ignored, disposed of, held in disregard?
like a dirty tissue that hasn't found its basket

In her "ohmmms" and "sighs"
and deep breathing embraces -- she seeks
more to life than oxygen and
empty space between the stars
to fit somewhere comfy in the unfolding encasement
she's built herself in

Wings peeking through the cottony curtains
she's been ready
almost lightning light years ago
but the Universe outside never fully able
to make 'delicate' part of its conformity
for her to feel safe and ready enough to come out and fly.

but to delay her liberation
because of endless devastations
would give victory to the enemy's enchantment

so she starts to spread her wings
and risk her life
even though it may be trickling moments soon
before she is blown away and dies.