Dearest Zack,
Every time we meet, you ignite a knowing within me, as we both seem to understand the drives and passions of the other. Your presence in my life has been so important to my soul journey, where you have been the masculine mirror to my feminine self in a family where both of us felt like we didn't belong.
I've always wondered what past life we had together, to have reincarnated and decided not to subscribe to the same rules of material life afforded to our other cousins. At times when I felt I was going mad, felt misunderstood, didn't know what drove me to create for the sake of it in a decaying urban landscape, wanting to explore these things called poetry, art, anarchy and spiritual delving instead of making up families of normalized structures, you were always in the background of my life doing similar things in different ways.
Remember the night when we toppled down East-side brick buildings with our fascinating wonder at how much we had in common, disregarding possible thug harm while crossing back alley side streets at 2 a.m.? What a freedom from anything named fear! . Was it possible? These attachments of genetic bonds so deep that made us have we endless things to catch up on about science, philosophy, metallic recycled art and massive dreams of a future world without industrial complexes and broken people?
Wasn’t it wild how we'd go several months without seeing or hearing from the other, only to reacquaint and discover we are were literally on the same page of the same book? Both of us questing for this gateway between love, life, death, suffering and holding to one's inner values, getting lost within different dimensional worlds without the binds of false responsibilities for systems we cared nothing about? While we awoke to earth pods, crystals and new civilizations of the imagination discovering our innate powers of attraction, descending us into underworld labryinth mysteries including oddball suspicions of crow-like characters?
See! This is what I mean! How you and I get these long stream of consciousness diatribes and see nothing crazy about taboo explorations into tunnels of generally misunderstood waves of consciousness. Call it the pot-head mind, I call it exploring the universe of unexplored recesses.
We co-mingled in our own esteems of super-tall ego family members, while our own egos twinned the other way -- constructing so-called humble self-deprecation. We went through our fascinations of dark paths only to discover the cosmic joke in it all -- how we really were just trying to distance ourselves from people we never wanted to become, forgetting at times along the way that our core yearning was to be loved by them in the first place.
Remember that time when we both emailed each other as we were going into the same Vipassana retreat (tho’ in different places -- you in Nepal and me in Toronto). Yes our consciousnesses have been intermingling for eons in the yet-to-be-named star systems but somehow we agreed to ascend to the Truth at this point in time, lifting ourselves up from the depths of darkness only to discover that indeed the truth is that unconditional love and compassion are the only thing that govern.
Who else was as fascinated by coffeehouses in Kensington Market and gender-bending presumptions in backroom eco-building structures as you and I? We’d both watch how our personal desires for reaching our potentials would backlash in activist scenes where people were shooting each other down in subtle and idealistically maniacal ways. Who else could understand our motives to want to transition society from extremely heartless functions back to Mother Earth's wonderful new order? You see, I have been watching you the whole time, knowing that underneath all the seeming madness, your heart and soul has been on the wave of this time that has been wanting to uncover chaotic truth, dispelling the myths of dependable comfort in systems already falling faulty.
Then yet another journey, our own humbling recovery from our acts of self-destruction through the familiar ego of our fears and warrior stances.
Was life as vacant for you as it was for me when you learned that there is no enemy once we left our own ideals behind with the city? That there is a paradise that exists between the mires of pollution and consumer waste? Contrived in our helplessness of the vastness of this incredibly shameful collective delusion? Was there any way of reaching our Spirits up past the reality of some of our ancestors’ lack of caring about quiet beings other than humans in their walk toward God?
Yes, this letter is an outpouring of my Love and Appreciation for you. I have inklings of what you’ve been searching and yearning for in wishing a new reality for yourself and all humanity. This conflict of being on the verge of change and still having the courage to living according to what makes you pulse and inspired. I get the struggle you’ve carried with having to turn wanderings into an epic story because facing other truths about the real pain of not feeling like you had a home to come to or one where you want to stay for too long was too much to swallow and unburden.
How there are few people here in Ontario who could fully see your depth of compassion for all who have been excluded, rejected, neglected and those who most have given up on. It’s that very heart in you that has kept me so loyal to your walk, so proud of what you’re doing day-by-day, intertwining your dreams of creating rhythms from a place outside of how it’s normally been done, while inviting others to play with you, even for just a short while.
Just by writing this letter it is releasing all that has been built up in the misunderstandings of family dynamics, of feeling on the verge of not mattering and twisting and turning it into something magical – seeing how powerfully beautiful our determination to be True to Ourselves has really taken us, so we can sit in an element of peace that the resistances, inner guidance in the face of doubters, the restlessness of a world and people who couldn’t see the vision – that at least there are 2 of us who get it.
I can’t wait to have so many more awarenesses and awakenings with you in this human journey.
In love, peace and understanding,
yer cuz
